Discovering sexual betrayal in a relationship is an incredibly painful, overwhelming and devastating experience, often leading to feelings of anger, hurt, and confusion. Whether it's infidelity, secretive online behavior, or another form of betrayal, couples are often left feeling confused about where to even begin.
There is so much pressure to “get it right” when the future of your marriage and family is on the line. At a time when trusting your own judgement feels like an impossible ask, you’re thrust into a position of having to make decisions that will impact the rest of your life.
It’s important to make informed therapeutic choices, like turning to clinicians trained by APSATS (Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists) or a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist). Whether true “sex addiction” is part of the equation or not, these professionals are trained to work with betrayal trauma and problematic sexual behaviors.
What difference does it make?
There are several factors that play into which path to follow as you begin this journey toward clarity and healing. Not every situation is alike and not all clients are alike. It’s that frustrating, but common answer that plagues us all in the mental health field: “It depends…”
Traditional “couples therapy” is typically reserved for couples with a common goal of improving their relationship satisfaction, by addressing issues around communication, conflict management, parenting differences, sexual desire discrepancies, finances, division of household labor, managing in-laws, or coupleship dynamics and patterns. Those are typically relationship issues.
“Individual therapy” is where clients go to work on themselves. They may want to explore and heal childhood experiences, gain tools and coping skills to manage stress, anxiety, depression, process trauma, learn how to set boundaries, develop their identity, learn about attachment styles, find healthier ways to move through the world and show up differently in their relationships.
Factors to consider when deciding between individual or couples therapy
So where does that leave betrayed and unfaithful partners in the wake of a discovery or disclosure of betrayal? Typically, “couples therapy” would not be advised if there is ongoing abuse, addiction or affairs. For couples therapy to be helpful, there needs to be a fundamental aspect of emotional safety in the relationship, which is rarely present when those issues are happening. In the aftermath of betrayal, especially when you don’t even know what you’re dealing with yet, if the affair is still secretly going on, if your partner might be struggling with a sex addiction you knew nothing about, or if the climate in the home is emotionally abusive, where do you turn?
It’s tempting to turn to couples therapy, especially if you are hopeful about repairing the coupleship. It’s hard to imagine engaging in a process if the “right hand doesn’t know what the left hand is doing”... and there is a case to be made that repair happens in the context of the relationship. Amazing and wonderful work can be done in couples therapy - assuming the conditions are appropriate.
But then there are circumstances in which individual, characterological issues are evident, that are solely the responsibility of that person - addiction, personality disorders (like narcissism), ongoing emotional abuse, such as controlling, manipulative, gaslighting behavior, financial abuse, chronic deception, sexual activities outside of the relationship, and other destructive behaviors that cause harm to others. Those are the issues that are best addressed in individual therapy, before beginning couples therapy.
Clients who choose to start with separate, individual therapy after betrayal are best served when working with clinicians who specialize in betrayal trauma and sexual acting out. An APSATS CCPS (Certified Clinical Partner Specialist) for the betrayed partner, or a partner-sensitive CSAT for the unfaithful partner, are good places to start. They are well-versed, knowledgeable and trained in the symptoms and roadmap of betrayal trauma, problematic sexual behaviors, and that delicate healing process.
If you both truly want to begin therapy together, then it would be important to get really clear about your goals for therapy and remain open to the idea that you wouldn’t be (and shouldn’t be) doing traditional “couples therapy”. Oftentimes, it would do more harm than good.
Your couples therapist would need to be skilled and trained in a different version of couples therapy: one in which the therapist’s role is to educate both clients about the nature, signs and symptoms of betrayal trauma, provide psychoeducation about affairs or sex addiction, to work on emotional safety and stabilization, boundary setting, trigger management, ground rules of engagement, structured couples check-ins, rebuilding trust, discussing values, transparency, how to manage disclosing sensitive information, and each partners’ role and “to-do” list throughout the process. It’s more of a containment process. You have to triage and stop the bleeding before you can move on to do the work of healing.
If this early phase of treatment is done well (whether it be in an individual or a couples setting), you could start to see the betrayal fog lift and you will be in a better position to make rational, informed, thoughtful decisions about the future. Clarity is a gift that often eludes betrayed and unfaithful partners, especially at the beginning, so focusing on a process that helps you feel more grounded, educated and prepared can start you off on a path that serves you better, long term.
The “most desirable” scenario would be for each partner to have their individual, specialist/therapist at the beginning. Once the situation can be assessed (and you can sign a release for the two therapists to consult and collaborate with each other), and some groundwork has been laid, then adding in a trained couples therapist could be helpful. Granted, that’s a lot of therapy, which understandably becomes time consuming and costly, but it’s like having a whole team of trained clinicians working together from all three angles, at the same time. Not only does the “right hand know what the left hand is doing”, but there’s a third set of eyes and ears to integrate and pull it all together.
There is no “right” path or formula that will guarantee any specific outcome. Keeping an open mind during the process, whichever place you choose to start, will be helpful. Being flexible enough to check in with your partner and your clinicians will serve you well: “Is this working…? Do we need to switch gears for a bit? Do we need to pause one modality to focus on another? What is getting in the way of progress? What is going well?”
A word of encouragement
Healing from betrayal is a marathon. Starting out with trained and experienced therapists can help you avoid some of those false starts that muddy the waters even more. The waters are muddy enough, and betrayed partners often say they have lost their ability to trust their own judgement. There is hope. And taking your journey into your own hands, in a way that makes sense to you, is a good start to beginning to trust yourself again.
If you’re located in California and ready to start exploring your options and what might be appropriate for your situation, contact me for a 15-minute phone consultation, where we can talk about what’s going on, your unique needs and goals and formulate a plan. Fill out the form below.
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